The Holiday Season

Hi all! I have been noticing an up-tick in anxious messages on the anxiety and heart boards I monitor. I think that is normal for most of us. The holiday season is stressful with activities, traveling when you are not comfortable, and dealing with the loss of loved ones. The only advice I have for you right now, other than the ones I always give is this; when the big picture becomes overwhelming, focus on the little pictures. The sound of your child's laughter, the feeling of a friend as they touch your hand, the fact that there is a God and He loves you very very much.

Sometimes for me the big picture is to great to look at and I have to stop and narrow my focus. I will sit outside and just feel the wind on my face, cook a good healthy meal, enjoy the tastes, call a friend and listen to their voice. When we are stressed, we can easily be consumed by the hustle and bustle of this time of year, even if you don't celebrate it.

Also remember to get your eyes off yourself if you can. We can become obsessed with mental rituals, like checking our pulse or running through our little check lists. That habit is SO destructive, let sleeping dogs lie. I have never seen anyone compulsively check their pulse and have it do anything good.

Maybe if there is an elderly couple on your street you could stop by introduce yourself as a neighbor and make sure they have everything they need for the season. Same if there is someone home-bound or sick that you know of. Take that time you normally over focus on your health issues and try to get some of it focused outward. Not only is that good for our anxiety and depression it is good for our souls. In helping others we often help ourselves without knowing it.

You know me and know I have a deep and residing love for God, but even if this season means nothing to you, it will still make the world a better place, so it's a win-win for all of us anyway. Be strong my friends, deep breath and relax. Yoou will get through this and in the process even when you are hurting so much, we can still spread the cheer and goodwill and peace that we wish for in ourselves.

You are not alone, you are loved and you are very needed right here on Earth, Love you all, and wishing you the best Christmas and a New year filled with peace, love and confidence.

Whatever you celebrate, enjoy it and be the change you want to see in the world. You are going to be okay, Promise.

So what happens when it seems you will never break out?

     Good morning from lovely urban New Jersey! I know it has been awhile but I wanted to stop in and see how you are all doing. So it has been about 5 weeks since my last post, where I told you all I was feeling very depressed. Guess what? I'm still feeling that way. Mine is more of a situational one though, and after taking a good long look in the mirror last night, I thought to myself, "What if your problems don't go away anytime soon?" I looked around my small apartment, "Is this it? Is this the sum of your being?"

     So I got on my knees and asked God for strength. I got off my knees and used the strength I already had and you know what happened?  Nothing yet, lol. Still depressed but I feel the old fire coming back. Each time I talk to you I call you warriors, because that's what you are. Warriors who struggle sometimes every day for what seems like months, years or decades. If we (I) don't fight back then we are not warriors, we are victims. I don't want that anymore, not even for a month.

      There are lots of things for me to be depressed about right now. Christmas time is hard, both my parents passed away in December and a dear relative on Jan 2nd. My finances are next to non-existent and like many in America, maybe everywhere, contrary to what the media would have you believe the true job market is horrible to worse.

     But I made a mistake, I let it overwhelm me. As if my shoulders were broad enough to handle all this alone. I got depressed, I let my good habits, like setting goals slip, and I wallowed. So last night I finally got sick of it. I know many of you are better at breaking out of the dark than me, but I also know there are some who have been trapped so long they have forgotten the light. So I am going to tell you the same thing I always say, Keep fighting! There are others who DO understand. The Holiday season is hard for many of us, instead of visions of sugar plums; it is of ones we lost, or the parts of our lives we lost, that dance through our heads.

     Don't do what I just did, to my sorrow, and isolate yourself. (I am old enough to admit my mistakes). Even if I never post again, you have to know that you are worth this struggle. Otherwise it's pointless isn't it? You are worth it, and so is the joy it will be to others around you to have you back.

     As much as I wish it was otherwise, no one is holding our hand through this, (Except God). We are going to feel alone and tired and sad and hurt. But we have gotten this far, and we will get though this. Not only did I want to check in but I wanted to remind you of how beautiful and worth it you really are. Sorry for my silence, we all get hit hard sometimes, but I am still here, so are you which means every second of every minute is a chance for a new start, for the dream of hope and for a kind word, loving thought and prayer from and for us all.

Frank

Failure

So what do you all do when you get knocked down? I pray, I try to push on even harder, but some days it just doesn't work. Some days I just want to lay in bed and never get out. The energy it takes to stay awake seems misspent since I am only thinking down thoughts anyway. That's like asking the dentist NOT to give you Novocaine, if you ask me it makes no sense.

Normally I don't like people to know when I am down, after all we are all struggling, but in an attempt to have an honest blog, that is part of life I have to deal with quite frequently. And I know many of you do too. So see, I am no different that anyone else. There are days where I can't fight, I just want to stop and sleep. I know I will get over it, but the older I get, the longer and darker the periods seem. Man, do you ever just get tired of fighting? I am sick of it already.

Anyway I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am there with you and millions of others feel this way. One day at a time, one hour at a time and eventually it will pass. I don't feel comfortable showing this side of me, but on long nights when you live alone and the only sound is your own heart skipping every other beat, it's rough. I know you understand.

I promise when I have a bit more energy I will post more and get back to some good positive posts. In the mean time I wanted you to know I am still praying for all of you, still thinking of you and reading your posts on the board. Sorry to be down, but we will make it my friends, some day.

Medicine and the unexpected problem with peace.

     I want to talk a little about medicine for a moment. But first the usual disclaimer, I am not a doctor, nurse or pharmacist. I am only discussing my results and if you ever have any questions, those are the people to talk to and ask questions, not me.

     Okay, now having said that, many of us have a drug fear. I hate taking new drugs, it sends my anxiety through the roof. I am always afraid of allergic reaction or drug interaction. I take about 10 different drugs since the heart attack. 2 of those being for my stomach because the other 8 rip it up something fierce.

     First a little piece of advice that may help some. When I have to take a new med. I ask my doctor if he would mind me sitting in his waiting room for 2 hrs. This alleviates some of my anxiety, at least for any life threatening quick reactions. (Never had one, but apparently I still worry anyone because the other 15,351 fears are not enough.)  Just sharing this because it does helps me to take meds in the beginning. My Dr knows my anxiety, so he is quite happy to let me sit there reading old magazines. (He should, I think I am single handedly putting his youngest child through college.)

      Also, to combat my anxiety I have started to take Prozac. Now I am just sharing. I had a HUGE problem with taking anxiety meds. Also since I was 15 they had tried me on three that did noting for me. Welbutin (Made me feel like a zombie). Zoloft (did not a single thing) and Lexipro (Made my depression at least three times as bad.) So I was very hesitant to try anything new, even after all those years. But as I saw my life slipping away and the anxiety gaining strength with age, not losing it, I knew I had to try something. And you know what.......it worked.

     I remember about two weeks after taking it, one day I was driving, going two hours by myself to a family get together. It was Summer time then and the sky was blue, the weather perfect and the windows open. Out of nowhere, I almost started to cry. For the first time, random thoughts of death were not screaming through my head, I could enjoy the wind on my face, I was out of the house and my safety zone and my shoulder muscles were not bunched and pulled up tight. It was a beautiful feeling.

     If someone had tried to tell me before hand, I would have laughed at them and just not believed it. But Prozac has totally changed my life. (That is the pill after 4 trial and errors that worked. It may be different with you, this is not a Prozac commercial. It just happens to be the one that helped me.) Trying to describe the feeling was like trying to describe a new color that you had never seen before, how could you? After a few days I settled on the analogy that I had been living my life in a house on fire, with the noise crackling and roaring, the constant struggle and fear to stay alive, the total chaos that I just accepted as normal. And then one day.......it just wasn't there. Amazing, wonderful and....scary as hell! My head was quiet, no anxiety songs of death and doom. Just me and i swear I could hear crickets if I tried. (Not actually).

     I was not prepared for this. I didn't and am still learning to cope with, this emptiness. Don't get me wrong, it is not a zombie state. I am still vivacious, (my story), outgoing in public and friends have noticed nothing but good things. (No slowing of speech, no sluggishness, etc. I trust their observations more than my own.)  Lets go back to that fire analogy and the noise, it was totally disconcerting. Not horrible just new. But all that anxiety I had felt all my life, that struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. The struggle to get out of bed was gone. Suddenly, I had no fight but 47 years of training on how to fight and 0 years on how to live at peace. It is still an adjustment and it is still a hard struggle, but I never want to go back to that again. You don't realize how much energy it takes till all the emergencies that you worry about but never happen are gone and you have nothing to do with the energy. Yes, I am still depressed, (More on that in a moment) but that unyielding, undying anxiety is gone like it never existed.

     Now let me say this and say this opinion clearly. Medicine is not the only answer. Yes Prozac has done some amazing, life changing things for me, but it will not undo 47 years of wrong thinking. That is not its job! For the pills to be really helpful they MUST be used in conjunction with therapy. The pills will take care of your chemical imbalances, but it will not stop your mental thoughts and how you have changed your thinking to live with the stress, depression etc. Pills are only one part of this war to free yourself and live the life you were meant to. You know that many of you, I know you are out there, are not even sure they deserve a life free of pain and full of happiness. A pill isn't going to help that. I swear just as much by the other parts; therapy, nutrition, exercise, church attendance and getting yourself plugged into your community. These will help just as much. Each one plays a part so that one day we may not need the pills or therapy. But lets be honest, okay. If whatever we were doing was working and allowing us to live rather than just survive you wouldn't be reading this and I wouldn't be writing this. Therapy is long and painful. The meds may take quite a few tries to find the right one. But you are using all that energy now, just to brush your teeth and pretend this is the life you want. My friends, please I am begging you because you mean so much, realize this IS a WAR and if you don't realize that and fight it as such you are only going to be the FIRST casualty. Family, children, loved ones, friends, will all suffer right along with you.

     Now getting that out of the way, let me tell you before my life got so bad I had to develop this thought of Total War, I cursed mind medicines. I felt like taking them was losing, like killing off that bad part of myself was a weird form of suicide. I literally hated the thought. I have writings, poems about why I wouldn't take them. As if that twisted malformed and ultimately destructive part of myself, was something to be protected because it was me. Let me say this loud and clear from the other side now....it is not! If our eyes are out of whack we get glasses and we don't cry and say, "Well that is just me and part of me!" Twisted leg? do we cry over leg braces that can eventually correct the problem? Do we not remove a tumor? That is what that chemical imbalance is, a tumor, a cancer that is eating at your soul. And after it now being quiet enough to finally hear the 'real' me, I would never go back. Don't believe any of those lies. You wouldn't walk around with bad teeth because they were part of you if you could afford it, so don't believe this dark twisted thinking is you either.

     I will say this again, because you are all worth the fight and you are all so very precious to me, even if I don't know your name. You can not lose this war. You must fight with every tool you can. The enemy; our fear, Satan, rough childhood, whatever, can only use lies to stop you from using the tools it knows will work. You are tired, you are fighting everyday anyway, so why not go on offense? Why not attack the root instead of just trying to live with the problems it creates in your life? You are a fighter, now take the fight to the problem instead of the other way around!

     Talk to your doctors, get second opinions, get therapy, talk to God, help your fellow humans when you have the energy to. With every victory you will become more confident and want more victories. With each step you will become healthier, nicer to yourself, a better husband, wife, parent and friend to others.

     I know you have suffered, I really do. I know you are tired but this fight is everything and you know what? You might not believe this, you can actually win this fight instead of just surviving it!

     If you haven't heard it lately, I think you are wonderful. A beautiful fighter who is tired. I am praying for you and trying to let you know you are not alone. God DOES love you, I love you and kid, you are soooooo worth it. I promise!

     As always, thank you for letting me ramble, you rock and stay strong brothers and sisters. You are not alone and you can and will win this. Be strong and of good courage!

     Frank

What people don't see

     As usual I had a post planned for today but changed my mind because I think this is more important. Many of us are here for different reasons; anxiety, health issues or addiction as examples. Most of these can not be seen by another human being without tests or knowing what to look for. We get the odd looks, the casual, "Get over its," the, "Oh I forgot you had that." as if it were something trivial.

     Nothing hurts me more or makes me feel alone, like a loved or respected person in my life not understanding what is going on in mine. Or worse yet, being outright hostile towards the idea, that something may in fact may be wrong with me, just because they don't understand it. I am lucky and don't have too many of those, although I know some of you do. Husbands, wives, family and friends who say "Just get over it, you are doing it to yourself." or "It's not that bad, you are a hypochondriac!" Or "You've had a thousand chances to walk away from your problem but you never will, you are hopeless."

     Many times that makes us afraid to share with those closest to us because we are afraid to drive away the last little support we have in desperate times.

     So today I wanted you to know something. I believe you. I believe you are hurting, and struggling. I am so glad that no matter how long it has been, you haven't given up. I understand that silent, lonely pain seems amplified. I understand, because I have been there with you. As someone who has walked a similar road to yours, let me say you are doing great. It has taken such power to get where you are now! It has taken struggle after exhausting struggle, so raise your head up! Do not feel ashamed! You are not alone and many people realize how hurt and strong you are at the same time.

     Knowing that you are going through this, breaks my heart. How do you explain to someone that just convincing yourself to brush your teeth if you are depressed is a fight? How do you explain if you have fibromyalgia, hashimotos or POTS or something else that is not easily seen, nor readily understood by even doctors, how isolated you feel and the pain of just moving or anxiety of going out? It is close to impossible. That is why we have support pages and blogs and each other.

     So today I don't want you to feel ashamed. Doesn't matter if the problem is physical OR psychological. Hold your head up because you are a survivor! If other people are unsupportive or hostile towards your problems, maybe you need to re-evaluate their position in your life. I would rather go through this alone than pull the dead screaming weight of a jerk behind me. We can barely lift ourselves at this point, carrying an ungrateful other is not an option.

      So to you all of my beautiful warriors, today I pray for peace and strength and blessings. I pray your self worth grows and grows and is not dependent on another persons views of you. I pray you know you are not alone and how much I appreciate you even though we have never met.

     You exist! You are worthy and have every right to be happy and free of derision or scorn. We may never meet but I wanted you to know someone DOES understand, the best he can anyway, and there is someone rooting for you every day of the week! You are not alone my friends and I think you are beautiful!

     God bless you all,

     Frank

How being "strong" almost killed me.

     When posting here, I am not looking so much for wrong or right when I tell you a story. Sometimes they simply are what they are. And when I describe my thoughts, I know some are old fashioned, a.k.a. misogynist. It was the way I was raised and I have changed most of it but as we all know old habits die hard.

     When I grew up I was taught boys don't cry. Crying was weak and, "If you want something to cry about, I'll come in there and give you something to cry about!" Whereas women are expected to live their lives perpetually 20 pounds underweight, men are expected to be emotionally stunted for theirs. I am not complaining, it is one of the only areas I think men have it worse than women in this life.

     Since I was raised that way, I very rarely showed my true emotions. As a matter of fact, since like many of you, I had a rather 'odd' upbringing and childhood, I began to distrust emotions all together. Growing up watching the original Star Trek, Spock was almost an idol to me. And over time I did learn to master my emotions. I could and still can stop from tearing up at the snap of a finger, I can walk away from most tragedy with a determined look and kind words for everyone else. I wasn't being a jerk or superior, I just thought it was the way I was supposed to be.

     Till the anxiety attacks started happening. I fought them for years and when I finally learned how to lock down my body and stop them, or at least not show any reaction to them.....they started coming when I was asleep. Oh I was mad! How can you defend against anxiety in your sleep? They were so bad I could barely stand up or hold anything in my hands. I was a wreck and even began to fear going to sleep. My body was cheating as far as I was concerned, it was a traitor and out to get me. Then the lone arrhythmia started, which I will not blame 100% on my emotions but it did have a factor to play in it. All this while, when I thought I was being strong, I was pushing more and more emotions and worry into a small shallow hole, that could and would no longer contain it. But again that is what I thought life was. If you know no difference, how can you question it? Then came hospital stays, trips to the ER, panic and that feeling of having lost all control.

     As part of what I call Total War for my life, I started to see a therapist. And let me tell you it is hard to rewire 4 decades of thinking. But I am trying. And emotional acceptance and well being is a huge part of it. Dealing with problems in the light of day can save you a night of terror and depression.

     Now many of you probably just said, "D'uh, I could have told you that!" And you would be right. However not everyone is quite sure that emotions are safe, that people can be trusted or that they even deserve to be pain free and loved. Trust me you do!

     On the other hand we have the exact opposite, people ruled so much by emotion they can't tell the truth because they don't feel it. Your brain tells you 1 million times that you are dying and you believe it each time, even though it has been wrong 1 million times. People who listen to that fear and are afraid to step outside, because something bad will happen, when you can just do it and test it out. Emotions suck don't they? It is very hard to find the proper balance between living like a robot and living like a madman ruled by them.

     So what I want you to do today, is figure out where you are on that scale. Are you denying your emotions? Are you being driven mad by them? Then figure out how to fight it. and we ALWAYS fight lies with truth. If your mind tells you that you can't step outside, do it. Just one step. See the lie. If it says you are worth nothing, no one loves you, the you need to tell it, physically say it, "I am worth something and my self worth is not derived from other people!" 

     I have been going out and making new friends (Do you know how odd that feels at 47?), I started a blog to express my feelings, I am getting therapy and taking meds. I think the next post will be on meds, just FYI. I still have so long to go. I still can not say, "I need.." without feeling like I am losing. But I am trying. The palpitations are down, but still there at times. As we fight this we need to take a good look at out brothers and sisters in 12 step programs and just fight it one day at a time. One struggle at a time. I know if I look forward, too far into the future, the struggle seems endless and it saps my energy, but if I look at now, it's not so bad. Sure I may die someday, but not today and not from THIS problem. That gives me enough to go on, while I truly learn what it means to be strong.

     As always beautiful warriors, I am thinking about you and praying for you. May God bless you with love, safety and peace.

     You can do this, you are worth it, you are something VERY special in this world! Keep up the good fight and never give up, you are not alone.

    Frank

Short note

Just a quick note today to ask a few things. 1)What would you like to see me write about on here? What do you need to see/hear more of? 2) Have you set any goals yet or changed anything? (Remember insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!) 3) Did you tell yourself, physically, that you are beautiful, strong and can beat this? 4) Did you smile for no reason today? 5)Do you realize you are not alone. 6) Have you talked to God today?

     Hang tough all my wonderful friends, the old saying goes , "It can't rain all the time." If it is a rough day, hunker down, struggle on and know that you can do it! If it is a good day, smile and enjoy it, because they are far and few in between sometimes. You deserve it, share your smile with someone else if you can.

     You all impress me so much, love yourself and help be the light the world desperately needs when you can, and take comfort you are not alone when you can't.

     I am thinking about you, praying for you and ask that Jesus bless you mightily today.

     Thank you as always, I know it is hard, but I know you are strong. To everyone, no matter what religion or none, what ethnicity, what proclivity and any other dividers we put on ourselves. You are wonderful, beautiful and I think you are pretty damn awesome.

Frank

You are only doing it half right.....

     Awhile ago I posted something similar on the heart board I belong to, but when the idea hit me, it seemed to make so much sense, that I want to post something like it here too.

     Being a Christian I am very aware of Matthew 22:39, "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." But it can also be found in the Torah Leviticus 19:18, "Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the Lord." I am pretty sure most of us, religious or not, try to live that out. You can find similar injunctions in almost any society. It is God given, universal and accepted almost everywhere people of goodness live together. 

     If you are like me, then you are probably even pretty good at that verse. We want our neighbors to succeed, we wish them the best and we are there for them if they need us. We are kind, we are forgiving and we are right in being that way. 

     However, one day it hit me, "What if we reversed the saying?" What if it read, "Love yourself as your neighbor."  I think most of us would be in for a rude awakening! This is not just an injunction to treat all mankind with respect and love, but ourselves also. 

     Let me ask you this and you can tell me if I am wrong. "Would you speak to other people the same way you speak to yourself? Would you be as unkind to them as you are towards you? Would you not forgive them for something when you will not/can not do that for yourself?"

     My friends, we are only doing this half right. 

     I know that words that run through my head when I think about myself and frankly if I heard another person speaking to a loved one of mine that way, I'm sorry to say, I would punch them right in the nose. (I'm Christian, not perfect) If I heard the words I used on myself, the condemnation, the belittlement, the loathing at times, I would not stand for it in public, yet for hours a day I think nothing of listening to those words in my head as if they were the real Gospel. 

     I have a feeling if I heard the words you use on yourself, it would make my heart break. You who have struggled so long, you who have fought alone, you who have only wanted someone to help, and then had to do it all alone. If your neighbor did all that you did, you would fill the air with praises and congratulations. Yet for yourself, someone who is doing it right now, is fighting hard right now, you have only negativity, scorn or derision.

     So today I want you fulfill that scripture if you are religious, I want you to live out that same moral code we hold society to if you are not. Seriously, please I want you to do this even though it's kind of weird, please please do this for me. I want you to think of what you would say to your neighbor if you found out they had the same circumstances as you do. IF they came to you and broke down and told you every problem in their life and it was just like yours, what would you say to them to give them comfort? Now please say the same thing to yourself. Say it out loud, say it often. Because my beautiful warriors, it is the truth, it is commanded, and you need to see the beauty of you, not just other people.

As always may God shelter you, protect you and draw you closer in good times and bad.

Frank

This is the beauty I saw a few days ago. I took two of my own pictures, the wolf and the moon and combined them, then added a space texture. It made me smile, I hope it does you too. As always thank you for letting me talk.

A bit of a ramble

     What does it mean to live? Is existence the same thing? The dictionary seems to think so. I am not so sure. I don't want to be alive, I want to live, and that is a verb. That means it requires action, more than just our automatic functions. More than just breathing. More then just listening to our hearts sputter their missteps into the early morning. I want to feel the wind, I want to smile, I want all of this to make sense. I want to not feel so alone in a world of almost seven billion people.

     I will apologize now, because today, I am a bit down, but I know some of you are too and I know my thoughts echo your own. I get tired. I get worried about health, finances and a million other things I have no business worrying over. I try to be a help to people almost every day, even if it is just a smile, because that is all the energy I can muster. That smile, may be the only one that person sees today. It is not a mask, just an affirmation that we both exist and feel and have worth. That is what these words are too. Just an electric note from a thousand miles away that you exist, you matter, and you are not alone. That someone who will probably never meet you understands what you are going through, or at least won't judge and try to. In an electronic age, distance is nothing and we all know the distance between two people in a room can be light years apart farther than this. I know that God is with you too, so you are never alone. When you cry, when you lay on the floor and can't go on. When you stand in front of a bottle and fight a thousand wars in the span of a heart beat, you are not alone. Even though everything inside you screams that you are. So please just know that and I hope it brings some small modicum of comfort to you in your time of need.

     Those of you who know me from the heart board, a truly wonderful group of caring people, know that I just got fed up living like this and I think you have too, no matter what the 'this' means to you. I want to LIVE and so I declared total war on this. That means finding and taking the right meds the doctor prescribes, that means therapy because a pill won't change a hard wired behavior in your brain and that means going to church and speaking to my God and Savior, whom I adore. And it means eating right. And while it works, there are still days like today, when I can hear angles weeping for the wasted time, the missed opportunity and what seems like an eternal struggle.

      But I won't give up. Knowing you haven't either, strengthens me and shares your power right back with me, and for that I thank you. No, I won't give up, and God willing, never will. There is too much at stake today for us to do that. And so even though I am so very tired of it all, I will go out. I will talk to myself in positive tones, I will feel the Sun and wind and I will remind myself to be thankful. I will take pictures to find the beauty I am seeking even when I live so near a dirty grungy city. And when I do find it I will share it with others. This is the verb live, fight, love. No one ever said it was going to be easy and no one said it would be fair that some go through this and others do not. It doesn't even bother me any more that this is happening to me, just as I don't feel guilty when someone else is going through it. Compassionate, yes. Guilty, no. We all have our fight and it is different for each of us. I refuse to begrudge someone who doesn't have to go through this. I am happy for them.

     So come with me today, there is no rule that says, today can't be the day that begins the change, that makes a leap forward, that clicks the synapse into place that you are worth it and loved and needed in this world. There is no law that says even if the day starts shitty, it must end that way or that even though we fight we can not live. So please live with me today. Please fight along side of me today, a thousand miles away but in the same struggle. Every step you take when your legs feel like lead, and your soul feels dead is not wasted. You are strengthened and each step proves you can do it. Just as you have a thousand times before.

     For me today is bad, but I still find my beauty and I still share it, when I can. Knowing you are doing the same makes it a bit easier to bear even if it makes me a little sad too. One day we will all be outside, in the Sun without worry or struggle. That is my dream, but like any dream it can't come true till we lift our hands to build the future we want. Be part of that with me.

God bless you all, you are not alone and thank you,

Frank

This is the beauty I found two days ago.

Today just a simple video

Relax today. I actually am kind of sick of this song but the words I think apply to most of us.  So relax and take a deep breath and build up that energy you are going to need.  Beautiful warriors, smile even if it's for no reason, because you DO deserve to smile and it lets your beauty shine through more. You can do this, you are not alone and you are loved.

My fight song

Frank

3 am propaganda

     I am sitting here, a little past 3am wondering what to write. I fell asleep early and woke up with that vague but troubling feeling like something was wrong and if I just thought about it long enough I would figure it out. But what I have really done is spend my first half hour of waking up running over all the bad things in my head and heart. I live alone and the house is so quiet you can hear a pin drop, and that little voice crops up, "Hey loner, whaddya gonna do, it's 3am. No one is around if you need them. You are alone and cut off. You are pushing 50 (I'm 47) and things keep getting tougher. You should just quit, give up by now, you've failed yourself and everyone around you. You've got everyone else fooled, but if they all knew how weak you were they would never listen to you or even laugh at you."

     I only write that to show you I know what you are going through. I think we all have that voice, that horrible nagging voice that will eat away at our self confidence, our happiness our life. I wish I understood whether it was a feeling we are all unworthy or undeserving of happiness. Are we all self destructive, since a lot of this we do ourselves, is this the voice of the enemy, Satan, trying to leech the happiness God intends for you? A combination of all of that? I don't know but I'll tell you, you have to fight that voice for all it's worth. It knows when you are weakest, it knows how to sound reasonable although it is telling you the most outrageous lies.

     It reminds me of history a little bit. During wartime, especially in the last century, there has always been propaganda and more recently enemy radio shows that are designed to sap the will of the soldiers fighting against them. The most famous of these was probably Tokyo Rose during World War II. (You can google it if you a a history buff). But the sole design of the show was to lower the moral of the American units fighting against the Japanese in the South Pacific. That voice in our head is our own equivalent to that. Again, I wish I was a smart enough man to tell you why we do it or say those things, but it will have to suffice that we all have it and it's main job is to sabotage us and keep us weak. We can ask experts later why, but for now lets just accept it. It's there and it's broadcasting almost 24 hrs for some of us.

     I will tell you a little bit about how I get by against that voice. Wish I could tell you how to cure it, but it's still there for me, and even though it is much weaker it is always looking for a way to gain influence.  The first thing you must do is recognize the lies. You are worthy, you are strong, and yes you've been beat up, but you are still here warrior! So what I do, and this may sound odd to some, is when I hear that voice say something, I physically think, "No, that is not true." I think it so I can almost hear it in my head. Your brain has heard these lies for so long it NEEDS to hear the truth. I'm going to tell you a secret now and it's not an easy one. This is exhausting. Most of us have this running commentary of our fears in our head and we don't even consciously hear it. So you have to stay aware of it and yes you have to think against it when you know it's not true...almost 100% of the time.

     How many times has it told you, you were dying? Are you reading this? Then wrong 100% of the time. How many times has it told you that you can't go on for even one more second? Are you reading this? Then it has been wrong 100% of the time. Part of fighting this anxiety or depression is being aware of what's going on in your head, it takes training to do that but it's important.

     Secondly, I want you to get a little mad. Yep, mad. This voice is stealing from you, stealing precious time from your family, stealing your sanity bit by bit. Yes you need to be a little mad because this voice, (ourselves?) is trying to take everything from you that you love, and you know what? It's worked to some extent. Use that anger to fuel your fight against it. Don't lay down roll over and show your tummy like an animal. Stand up, think it, "These are lies!" be human and love yourself. I promise after some time it will get easier.

     So today I want you to focus on that voice, learn to recognize it and it's lies that have hurt you. The good news is you DO have the power to beat it and you can control it or eradicate it to a great extent. The bad news....it takes energy and you are already tired. But you can do it, because again the prize is living, it is your life the way it is intended to be. So think it and think it hard, "This is not true, and I don't deserve this hurt."

     Listen to God's voice, your own 'real' voice, my voice, anyone's telling you that you are good, that you are strong, that you do deserve to be happy. You've made mistakes, you even failed once in awhile. Welcome to the club, its a big one and I belong to it too, so no worries, you are not alone, lol.

     My beautiful friend, my tired and still fighting warrior. You are wonderful, and stronger than you know. You have overcome where others would not have. You are special and giving and the only thing life, the enemy ourselves have to fight us with is simple lies. Please start telling yourself the truth, call the lies, well....lies in your own head. Let your brain get used to the fact of some positive thoughts and calling out the lies we all have been believing. Start doing that and I promise you will start to feel better, see through the darkness a bit more, know you are not alone, and again you will remember just how wonderful and important you are. I think you are and I look forward to the day when you do too!

     May God bless you and keep you and strengthen you today.

Frank

    

Three Parts

     This post may be controversial to some and I am sorry for that, but this has been my experience and I can't deny that it has helped me. It is my belief that we exist in three parts, mental, physical and spiritual and we need to take care of all three. It is very rare to find someone that works on all of them. We have our one or two favorites and leave the others alone. But think with me about a person that only focuses on one of the three. A physical person is often, not the brightest, aggressive, belligerent. A spiritual person who only focuses on that can be cold, judgmental and removed from humanity. An intellectual is often cold, aloof and thinks he is better than those around him.

     Those are just basic stereotypes but we have met them all at one time or another. To start to heal or grow or just feel better about ourselves we need to make sure we tend to the needs of every part of us.

     Physical, it is funny because this is the one easiest to see and we often make judgments on it very rapidly. Now for the truth this is the hardest one for me. I smoked for 30+ years and tend to carry an extra twenty pounds around, but the truth is this. There has NEVER been a study that showed exercise within your current limit, movement, and strengthening your body is bad for you. Maybe you are so heavy you can barely move, you are still beautiful. Maybe you are wounded or sick in some way that limits your mobility, you are still strong, maybe you are so nervous about something your energy is gone, you can still do this.

     Always talk to your doctor first but start to improve your strength, endurance and eating. All of these help produce chemicals in our bodies that help fight depression and promote healing. Not only that but you will feel better about yourself as you see your improvements which will help motivate you. This is a fun one because you can see the results very clearly. Exercise and proper diet will help you more than most pills or drugs and as you get used to them you will crave those good feelings more and more and it will push you on. Remember though it takes weeks to develop a new habit so don't give up even if you have to start so small most people wouldn't understand. This is our lives we are fighting for and you are worth every drop of sweat, every sore muscle and every minute spent doing something we would rather not. You are wonderful and it is time to start feeling that way.

     Intellectual, most of us are in a dark place and let's face it we can be ruled by our emotions at times and not the facts. The facts are most of us feel like we are dying each day, but we are still here. Most of us feel like we can't go on and yet we do every day, fact is you are a fighter. Most of us feel like the world wouldn't miss us at all and yet the truth is you are so very special and bring a unique light into the world and we would all be less with out you here.

     Also the depression, anger, listlessness get the better of us, but the world and universe is such a spectacular place. Yes we can't see it a lot of times but it is. Did you know that if you counted one second, one one thousand, at the speed of light you would have gone around the world 7 times.  And that even as fast as that is, at that speed, the closest star to us, besides our Sun is over 4 years away. And that is just the closest one of billions. There are animals that are stranger than fiction, beauty in the most unlikely spot. Open your mind, we have the internet, do some studies and I you will begin to see for every dark in this universe there is a thing of beauty and light. You will start to be able to sift through the lies to believe the truth, you will be a better more whole person able to see through much of the darkness that surrounds you right now.

     Spiritual, okay this is the one where most are going to complain, but again, this is my blog, my experience and I do not doubt even one iota that there is a spiritual side to us. Now just so you know where I stand, I am a Christian and believe in the Resurrection, the deity of God in three separate persons and that the only way to God is through the atoning sacrifice of the perfect Jesus. I am just telling you for what we will call truth in advertising, lol. This way there is no conjecture.

     Most of us get so overwhelmed we tend to focus in on ourselves obsessively. Recording our heart beats, running every emotion through our brains again and again. As much as we need to focus on ourselves, we also need to open our eyes to see others. Geeze, I could use a break from my problems, I am sure you can too. IT is good to focus outward for a bit, this way we don't feel isolated. If you are religious it is good to gather around others who feel the same and recharge your batteries. It is great to be a servant to others, by serving we make ourselves stronger, more humble and grab that appreciation for all that we have, that may have gotten lost from our sight. Draw near to an infinite source of power and you will be refreshed and able to take that next step in the struggle. For me God is an anchor in this storm and when I lose sight of what I consider the big picture, the little hurts and anxiety start to overwhelm me. Nothing has helped me like God.

     Now just for the record if someone is an atheist and comes on here and says "Hey you know what, I just helped a family get some food for their kids." My response is, that is a DAMN fine thing you have done. People have been helped and I think you are a great person for doing that. Out of my own experience this is what has helped me, this is what I believe, I am not here to judge, just tell you the best things that have happened to me so that they can help you to. That is all God is important to me, I feel He loves you and so I share that with you.

     That may seem like a lot of work and it is, lol. But it is do able. Today stand if that's all you can do, walk if you can, move and enjoy the wind on your face. Help your body produce those chemicals that will help you fight. Eat right and don't just count calories, count the chemicals in your food too, youy'll be surpirsed, keep it basic where you can.

     Read an article today, or look something up on the internet, find the wonder that surrounds you, listen to the truth instead of the lies. You are so truly special, don't let ignorance tell you that you aren't or that the universe is boring or bland. Get to that wonder of life and it will help you see through the dark.

     Reconnect with God, the author of it all. Praise him even though we are in a storm of pain and hurt and doubt. Help each other regardless of the others belief. They are probably hurting just like you. You have a vast store of energy to connect to. Begin to see the beauty and love God sees in you. Reflect that light like the moon does the Sun. Get your eyes off your own problems for a bit.

     And always, always remember, you are not alone, you are beautiful, you are strong and you are loved.

Frank

10 quick reminders for today

I just wanted to remind you of a few things to start your day;

1) You are not alone, even though it may feel like it.

2) You have survived a thousand days just like this one, you WILL get through it.

3) You are wonderful and special and worth the fight. You are worth it because of you, not because anyone else needs to see that or tell you that. You exist and the chances of that in mathematics is mind boggling. If no one else is telling you that you're worth it, tell yourself with all your heart, everyday. I promise it's true.

4) What ever is going on, you can fight it. You are much stronger that you think! Just look what you have gotten through already!

5) Stop believing the lies you and/or others are saying. You maybe down but you are a warrior who has made it a lot farther than most. So chin up, beautiful warrior, you are tired but you are not defeated!

6) Don't dwell on yesterday. When I was in the army, those who made it through basic and those who didn't only had one thing different. It wasn't strength or endurance, it was the ability to let yesterday go and start new today without all the baggage the previous day had. You are carrying enough weight, don't add to it. Each day has enough problems of it's own.

7) Don't feel guilty about being happy. You may not be in the place you want to be mentally, physically or spiritually, but you can start the journey there and you can make the place you are in a little better than it is.

8) Don't give up! I don't know how much further it is to the place we want, but I know you won't get there at all if you lay down and give up. Sometimes it's only one step, sometimes its a whole journey but then you get knocked back a few yards. You don't lose till you stop, so keep it going! You are doing wonderful under very hard circumstances.

9) Cry if you need to, ask for help if you need to, the world won't stop because you need a breather. If those around you act like it does, maybe it's time to have a talk with them. Even Hercules had a break between his labors, so little old you gets one now and again too. It's not weak to pause, regain your strength to push on. Weakness is giving up and believing the lies of "I can't". Maybe Can't right now, but you can and you will, because I already know the strength inside of you.

10) God loves you more than you will ever know, He has not abandoned you. These fiery trials refine us and make us stronger so we can help others when we are whole again. There will be a purpose if you continue your way through the storm.

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     Lastly, I am still new to this and I have no clue to tell if anyone is reading this or if I have comments turned on or if there is a way to follow the blog so you know when a new post is up. So if anyone knows how, please drop me a line to tell this old man how this new-fangled, technology works, lol.

     Also if you can, once in awhile leave a comment if I have made it possible, just so I know I'm not talking to myself and I can see what you would like to hear more about.

     As always my friends, I am amazed by you, you ARE beautiful and you CAN do it. Promise!

Frank

Goals and Lies

     Ung...it's 4am and I can't sleep. It is one of the few times living in this area that it is quiet. For someone used to the noise of three highways and millions of people, I can never tell if I like it or if it's scary, lol.

     It is time to be honest with ourselves, we know we are hurting, we know what ever problem we are having has stuck around for a while now and we know we are miserable. It's time to change our thinking from "Why is this happening to me?" to "What am I going to do about it?"

     This is a tough one, but one that is absolutely vital to getting better. No major war has ever been won on defense, and that is what most of us are doing. We react when our problem gets bad. We get hit by the problem and then we scramble to survive the hit. We do everything just to hold on to that walk outside, time with our children, the ability to get through another hour without crying. And truth be told we have become very good at it. But that is NOT the time to fight.

     Fighting that way allows us to go on but never improve. We are at the whim of our anxiety, addiction of whatever circumstance is hurting us. The time to fight is in those quiet rare moments where we actually have a little strength to breathe and move. I know you don't feel like struggling in the one moment you don't have to, but I am sorry to tell you that it's true.

     Let's take health anxiety as an example. If for four years you have been afraid to go out to much, have skipped meeting with friends or missing time with your children, then something isn't right and it is not changing. Lying there barely able to live isn't doing anything but making you miserable.

     The problem is your brain has taught you, lied to you, and told you that you can not do it, that you may die, that you are weak. I promise you, beautiful person, those really are lies. Not only are they lies but you have lived through them a thousand times. How many times has your brain screamed "Stop you can't do this!" or "OMG, if you do that you are going to die!"  And yet, you are still here.

     Let me ask you this now, how many times would your best friend have to tell you those obvious lies, before you stopped talking to them? Four? Are you a saint, maybe 15? And yet our brains have told us "We can't", "We are not strong enough", "We are going to die!" thousands of times, yet you still believe it. It is amazing how self destructive we are and that includes myself before anyone thinks that sounds holier-than-thou. I am right there with you, that's how I know this stuff. I wasn't taught it, I AM living it, just like you.

     So how do we take the fight and beat this? Well first it's going to be a long fight, get that in your head now. Barring a miracle from God, which does happen, it will be a struggle. We have been living a lifestyle or in a thought process for years that is actually hurting us, and it will take some time to break out. But the good news is this; I believe in you, I know you can do it and honestly my friend, you deserve a win.

     The human mind is so capable of adapting to situations, just look at the one you are in right now. You can adapt to this too, but your brain/heart/soul needs proof and this is where goals come in. I will be honest, I hate goals, resolutions, etc. they are just another thing to worry about or feel like I failed at. But if you make small ones I will promise you this, as you succeed, as you start to see you are not powerless after all, it will create a hunger in you for more success, for you old life and to slip out of those chains we have wrapped ourselves in by believing those lies.

     If you are agoraphobic and afraid to go outside, then maybe sit on your porch/stoop for awhile. OR make a lunch appointment with friends who understand your problem , this way if you have to leave they will understand and support you. If you need to take some meds but are terrified of taking new meds (me), then ask your doctor if he would mind you sitting in his office waiting room for an hour after taking the new med. (I do this and it helps me.) If you are an addict to anything admit you have a problem and get help. No one says we have to do this alone. If you and your wife or husband have grown distant, tell them you love them and appreciate and respect them. Respect is a big one, trust me.

     Now these may sound trite and easy, and maybe they are but that is because I don't know your personal situation and I am being generic. Please, I would love to hear your goals in the comments and maybe that can give others in your situation some ideas too. We are all enriched by your sharing!

     While I may not know your situation, I DO know as your mind sees, time and again, that you CAN do these things it will start to believe them. As the saying goes, The proof is in the pudding.

     One of the things I hate the most about this blog is telling people they need to fight even more when they are already exhausted enough to drop, but it's true. We need to change the way that we spend our precious energy so we can break this illness and anxiety. It breaks my heart to say all that, but you are so very precious and wonderful that I promise the feel of wind on your face, the sound of your spouse or children laughing and your own peace of mind is worth it. You truly are a wonder my friend, it is time to see that again.

     I want to ask you to do something else, that is SOOOOO corny, but I would love to know that you did it. Go up to a mirror and look at yourself. Look at all your imperfections, all the tiredness, all the hurt you know that hides behind your eyes and say, "I still think you are beautiful and worth it." Please say that, I wish I was there to say it with you, because one of the biggest lies we believe is that we are NOT worth it or beautiful or special. Even if you have not heard those words in a long time, I am telling you them and I am telling you, they ARE the truth. You rock and I am in awe of the strength it took to get you this far.

     So let me know in the comments what goals you can set to beat this crap in our lives. It also lets me know people are reading this and it helps others too.

Be well my friends, you are beautiful and God does indeed love you.

Frank

I'm Sorry

     Good morning everyone, well it is here as of the writing of this. It's a rainy Saturday, here in lovely urban New Jersey and I love these days. Perfect time to stop in and see how everyone is doing. While I was thinking about what to write it kinda hit me. I wanted to say, I am sorry.

     I am so sorry you are suffering right now, whether is is anxiety, health issues, addiction or something I can't even think of. I have a friend and every time she tells me she is in a bad mood I say, "I'm sorry," and she answers "Why, it's not your fault?" But it is empathy not guilt that makes me say that.

     I know that many of you have been struggling, and what almost makes it worse is, you are struggling more than most people even know. Either because they haven't gone through it and don't understand or because you have lost so many people due to the situation that you are afraid to show others and risk losing them too. I know, I've been there. So afraid to be who you are because you have lost so much. And that isolates us even in a crowd of people who care for us and makes everything so much harder.

     Well here is the good news, if there is any in this; you are NOT alone. There are millions of people suffering just like you, we just don't talk about it. Right now in households around the world, people are depressed, failing in marriages, scared and so damn tired. That is why I wanted to make this page, so you could have a place to come and not be alone and read comments from others and myself, to let you know you are going to be okay and there are others who care very much about you even if we've never met.

     Listen, I've been where you are more or less. There have been nights I asked God to take me or give me comfort because I just couldn't go on one more second. I've watched good friends look at me strange and smile that weird smile when all they are thinking is "Get over it already."

     Today the best thing to know is you are not alone even though it feels like it. And besides for saying I am sorry you are going through this, you don't deserve this and I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy, I want you to know, that I know how strong you are. You really are, you've made it this far, even though your head and heart say you wouldn't. You carried on most of the time alone, stuck in your own head, and for that I think you really are beautiful. Scars don't make people ugly; unkindness, despair and  anger do. All your scars do, physical and emotional both, is prove how strong you really are and that as much as you may have wanted to give up, you haven't. And that makes you truly beautiful in my eyes, not matter what you feel.

So for all those times you felt alone, cried in the dark or prayed for the energy just to go on living, I am sorry, you don't deserve that and all though you have handled it like a trooper, I know how very much it hurts. When all you wanted was a hand to hold and a voice to tell you it's going to be alright, you got silence and strange looks. Well that's over now, this is a safe place. Everyone here has cried, is hurting and felt hopeless and powerless at time.

     So lets focus on today on just admitting we are where we are, and that with help we can all get better, that we will stop listening to the lies that tell us how weak we are, when in reality you are amazing and strong! The next post we can go over some things I have found that helps me, but today just know you are loved and special and welcome here. And in case you have not heard it in a long time, or ever, I think you are beautiful and I know you are strong. Be welcome and comment so we can all comfort each other and take comfort too. You are too precious for the world to lose, it really does need you, and when you are strong again you will be able to share that strength with others and be part of a wonderful support to people who feel hopeless.

God bless you my friends and may His love shine down on you and keep you safe. Thanks for sharing this long hard journey with me. The company is appreciated.

Frank

Welcome!

      Hello all you beautiful warriors! How are you today? Tired, stressed, strong or encouraged? Today I feel a bit down, it happens with me sometimes, ok a lot of the times, lol. But this is what I have been thinking about for a few days now.

      A few people have asked me to start a blog or write a book, (I have three books but all fiction). The truth is, I don't know if I ever will do a blog or a book on the subject of anxiety, but if I do this will be one of the first pages on either.

      Today I want to talk about the most important person in your life......you. Right away I know a hundred voices are going to cry "NO! My children, my spouse, my significant other are more important! I am not selfish like that! That's kind of a bad thing to think!"

      Please hear me out, I agree with that sentiment to a point, yes they are important, none of us are narcissists, none of us are selfish, none of us uncaring, but at times you must become the more important.

      We are vessels, glasses that should be filled, and when they are we can pour out our energy, love, reassurance and caring on our children, spouses, lovers and those that need help. But when we are empty because we use that energy up in just surviving, we have nothing to share and must become takers of what little energy we can get elsewhere, and we are often hurt and dismayed when others can not give us enough. An empty glass pours no water and until we can fill ourselves with that energy again we do NOT have enough to share with others. So to make those people the most important in your life, you must make you important now or you are no good to anybody, least of all yourself.
I am not rubbing that into anyone's noses, hell we ALL know that and feel inconsequential, or worse yet, a burden to our loved ones already. But we need to acknowledge that or we will use it as an excuse. "Oh I can't use my energy to go out today, I have to make sure my kids have their lunches, are out of the house on time. MY wife is counting on me to do this. etc.etc.etc." But it's an excuse not to start the real hard fight of getting better. Not surviving, you've got that down pat by now. You know how to smile and hide the pain, you know how to lie and say, "I'm alright." but if we are here and if we have had this problem for awhile now, it's obviously not working to get us better, it's just getting us by. And keeping us from being what we truly need to be, and I know many of you, so I will say what we WANT to be...givers not takers to those we care about.

      That is why I need you to understand how important it is that you focus on you and start this brutal campaign to free yourselves from the lies we all believe, "I'm dying, I can't, It's impossible." That is straight BullShyte, excuse my language. If any of that were true, not one of us would be here, that's why I call you warriors, because the simple fact that you are around to read this means you know how to fight and win.

      So I want you to promise me, today, starting now, you will become that important person to yourself. Don't expect others to do it, don't even expect them to understand if they haven't gone through this. IF you need to, sit down with your family or whoever and explain it to them. Listen I need to focus on myself for a bit, so If I seem a bit distant don't be mad, I am doing this because I love you so very much and want to be a better friend, wife, father, etc. And if they still don't understand or want to help or give you a hard time, you may need to reevaluate why they are in your life. The fight is hard enough without extra weight holding you down.

      Say it to yourself, I am important, I do matter, I am beautiful. Because my friends every letter of that is true and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Until you make yourself and this struggle a priority you will never be the person you are meant to be, the beautiful human you could be.

      So lets start right from the beginning, you are the most important person for now, so that you can be the wonderful well of energy you are meant to be. You can do this, it's time to get serious, it's a long and lonely fight, but I promise you can do it, I know that, I've seen that from your posts, you are a warrior and a warrior has to fight even when he or she is tired.

      So to start off, I want to ask you three simple things you can do to start the process, to get rid of, or do things you know will make you feel better.

      For me I hate to say this but after 5 months I went back to smoking, which adds to palps, so I am going to stop that again.

      Second, I as a hermit, usually don't get out much, but I actually made a new friend and had her over for diner this week. It was fun to hear laughter in my apartment again. smile emoticon
And third, I am continuing my anxiety meds, diet and no drinking policy as I've had for the last five months.

      I am sorry to ramble and thank you for letting me post here, I don't claim to be a smart man or a wise man, I barely made it through high school and never went to college.

      But all my life, I have known that helping others is a major key to our own mental, spiritual and yes even physical health. So until we get to that place, we will never be the people God or ourselves intended us to be, and you are too special to me, to know you are hurting and that you CAN be so much more, including happy. Don't believe the lies brothers and sisters, you are too good for that, and thanks for letting me ramble once again.