When I grew up I was taught boys don't cry. Crying was weak and, "If you want something to cry about, I'll come in there and give you something to cry about!" Whereas women are expected to live their lives perpetually 20 pounds underweight, men are expected to be emotionally stunted for theirs. I am not complaining, it is one of the only areas I think men have it worse than women in this life.
Since I was raised that way, I very rarely showed my true emotions. As a matter of fact, since like many of you, I had a rather 'odd' upbringing and childhood, I began to distrust emotions all together. Growing up watching the original Star Trek, Spock was almost an idol to me. And over time I did learn to master my emotions. I could and still can stop from tearing up at the snap of a finger, I can walk away from most tragedy with a determined look and kind words for everyone else. I wasn't being a jerk or superior, I just thought it was the way I was supposed to be.
Till the anxiety attacks started happening. I fought them for years and when I finally learned how to lock down my body and stop them, or at least not show any reaction to them.....they started coming when I was asleep. Oh I was mad! How can you defend against anxiety in your sleep? They were so bad I could barely stand up or hold anything in my hands. I was a wreck and even began to fear going to sleep. My body was cheating as far as I was concerned, it was a traitor and out to get me. Then the lone arrhythmia started, which I will not blame 100% on my emotions but it did have a factor to play in it. All this while, when I thought I was being strong, I was pushing more and more emotions and worry into a small shallow hole, that could and would no longer contain it. But again that is what I thought life was. If you know no difference, how can you question it? Then came hospital stays, trips to the ER, panic and that feeling of having lost all control.
As part of what I call Total War for my life, I started to see a therapist. And let me tell you it is hard to rewire 4 decades of thinking. But I am trying. And emotional acceptance and well being is a huge part of it. Dealing with problems in the light of day can save you a night of terror and depression.
Now many of you probably just said, "D'uh, I could have told you that!" And you would be right. However not everyone is quite sure that emotions are safe, that people can be trusted or that they even deserve to be pain free and loved. Trust me you do!
On the other hand we have the exact opposite, people ruled so much by emotion they can't tell the truth because they don't feel it. Your brain tells you 1 million times that you are dying and you believe it each time, even though it has been wrong 1 million times. People who listen to that fear and are afraid to step outside, because something bad will happen, when you can just do it and test it out. Emotions suck don't they? It is very hard to find the proper balance between living like a robot and living like a madman ruled by them.
So what I want you to do today, is figure out where you are on that scale. Are you denying your emotions? Are you being driven mad by them? Then figure out how to fight it. and we ALWAYS fight lies with truth. If your mind tells you that you can't step outside, do it. Just one step. See the lie. If it says you are worth nothing, no one loves you, the you need to tell it, physically say it, "I am worth something and my self worth is not derived from other people!"
I have been going out and making new friends (Do you know how odd that feels at 47?), I started a blog to express my feelings, I am getting therapy and taking meds. I think the next post will be on meds, just FYI. I still have so long to go. I still can not say, "I need.." without feeling like I am losing. But I am trying. The palpitations are down, but still there at times. As we fight this we need to take a good look at out brothers and sisters in 12 step programs and just fight it one day at a time. One struggle at a time. I know if I look forward, too far into the future, the struggle seems endless and it saps my energy, but if I look at now, it's not so bad. Sure I may die someday, but not today and not from THIS problem. That gives me enough to go on, while I truly learn what it means to be strong.
As always beautiful warriors, I am thinking about you and praying for you. May God bless you with love, safety and peace.
You can do this, you are worth it, you are something VERY special in this world! Keep up the good fight and never give up, you are not alone.
Frank
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