I am sitting here, a little past 3am wondering what to write. I fell asleep early and woke up with that vague but troubling feeling like something was wrong and if I just thought about it long enough I would figure it out. But what I have really done is spend my first half hour of waking up running over all the bad things in my head and heart. I live alone and the house is so quiet you can hear a pin drop, and that little voice crops up, "Hey loner, whaddya gonna do, it's 3am. No one is around if you need them. You are alone and cut off. You are pushing 50 (I'm 47) and things keep getting tougher. You should just quit, give up by now, you've failed yourself and everyone around you. You've got everyone else fooled, but if they all knew how weak you were they would never listen to you or even laugh at you."
I only write that to show you I know what you are going through. I think we all have that voice, that horrible nagging voice that will eat away at our self confidence, our happiness our life. I wish I understood whether it was a feeling we are all unworthy or undeserving of happiness. Are we all self destructive, since a lot of this we do ourselves, is this the voice of the enemy, Satan, trying to leech the happiness God intends for you? A combination of all of that? I don't know but I'll tell you, you have to fight that voice for all it's worth. It knows when you are weakest, it knows how to sound reasonable although it is telling you the most outrageous lies.
It reminds me of history a little bit. During wartime, especially in the last century, there has always been propaganda and more recently enemy radio shows that are designed to sap the will of the soldiers fighting against them. The most famous of these was probably Tokyo Rose during World War II. (You can google it if you a a history buff). But the sole design of the show was to lower the moral of the American units fighting against the Japanese in the South Pacific. That voice in our head is our own equivalent to that. Again, I wish I was a smart enough man to tell you why we do it or say those things, but it will have to suffice that we all have it and it's main job is to sabotage us and keep us weak. We can ask experts later why, but for now lets just accept it. It's there and it's broadcasting almost 24 hrs for some of us.
I will tell you a little bit about how I get by against that voice. Wish I could tell you how to cure it, but it's still there for me, and even though it is much weaker it is always looking for a way to gain influence. The first thing you must do is recognize the lies. You are worthy, you are strong, and yes you've been beat up, but you are still here warrior! So what I do, and this may sound odd to some, is when I hear that voice say something, I physically think, "No, that is not true." I think it so I can almost hear it in my head. Your brain has heard these lies for so long it NEEDS to hear the truth. I'm going to tell you a secret now and it's not an easy one. This is exhausting. Most of us have this running commentary of our fears in our head and we don't even consciously hear it. So you have to stay aware of it and yes you have to think against it when you know it's not true...almost 100% of the time.
How many times has it told you, you were dying? Are you reading this? Then wrong 100% of the time. How many times has it told you that you can't go on for even one more second? Are you reading this? Then it has been wrong 100% of the time. Part of fighting this anxiety or depression is being aware of what's going on in your head, it takes training to do that but it's important.
Secondly, I want you to get a little mad. Yep, mad. This voice is stealing from you, stealing precious time from your family, stealing your sanity bit by bit. Yes you need to be a little mad because this voice, (ourselves?) is trying to take everything from you that you love, and you know what? It's worked to some extent. Use that anger to fuel your fight against it. Don't lay down roll over and show your tummy like an animal. Stand up, think it, "These are lies!" be human and love yourself. I promise after some time it will get easier.
So today I want you to focus on that voice, learn to recognize it and it's lies that have hurt you. The good news is you DO have the power to beat it and you can control it or eradicate it to a great extent. The bad news....it takes energy and you are already tired. But you can do it, because again the prize is living, it is your life the way it is intended to be. So think it and think it hard, "This is not true, and I don't deserve this hurt."
Listen to God's voice, your own 'real' voice, my voice, anyone's telling you that you are good, that you are strong, that you do deserve to be happy. You've made mistakes, you even failed once in awhile. Welcome to the club, its a big one and I belong to it too, so no worries, you are not alone, lol.
My beautiful friend, my tired and still fighting warrior. You are wonderful, and stronger than you know. You have overcome where others would not have. You are special and giving and the only thing life, the enemy ourselves have to fight us with is simple lies. Please start telling yourself the truth, call the lies, well....lies in your own head. Let your brain get used to the fact of some positive thoughts and calling out the lies we all have been believing. Start doing that and I promise you will start to feel better, see through the darkness a bit more, know you are not alone, and again you will remember just how wonderful and important you are. I think you are and I look forward to the day when you do too!
May God bless you and keep you and strengthen you today.
Frank
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